My "Rescuer" and an Insignificant Little Rabbit
A couple
of months ago, in March 09, a friend and I had a
memorable experience with the
"Rescuer". (I've
done several posts on the
"Rescuer Archetype", you may
want to review). We were going home from a
music-playing event on a Sunday evening, just as it
was getting dark. It was still very much winter in
Minnesota, and getting dark about 6 or 6:30 PM.
As we were just about to pull out onto the main
street, a little cottontail rabbit came running
across the main road toward us. A car was speeding
along and hit the rabbit, just grazing it... it
rolled into a little ball in the middle of the road,
and I put the car in park and started to get out to
go and rescue the bunny.
In the span of 2 or 3 seconds, he seemed to recover a
bit, adrenaline rushing, and he took off again toward
the side of the road where we were. He was obviously
lame but was really trying hard to get to safety.
Before he could get to the side, or we could
intervene in any way, another car came along and the
rabbit was hit a second time. That was a pretty good
hit to his hind quarters... one more second and he
would have made it to safety. But he was one second
too slow, and that blow was too much.
My friend and I rushed over to the bunny and scooped
him up, and as I held him, he was still very warm and
I could feel the life force leaving his broken little
body. His huge brown eyes were wide open, but his
spirit had already left.
Now what? We both instantly agreed that we could not
leave him on the road to be run over again and again,
nor could we just toss his lifeless body into a
dumpster or into the shrubbery along the side of the
road.
We had witnessed and participated in something very
extraordinary. Though it was a totally ordinary and
insignificant little rabbit in one way, it became
very significant to us. Witnessing life giving way to
death is an extraordinary event.
We had stepped forward to attempt to rescue the
little fellow, and though we were 2 seconds too late,
we had committed to a relationship and we agreed that
we now had an obligation to follow through and give a
little rabbit who had suddenly popped into our lives
a proper send-off.
There was an old towel on the floor in the back of
the car, so we put the lifeless little bunny on that
and then drove on, thinking about what to do next. In
Minnesota, the ground is frozen several inches deep
in March. The lakes were still being used for ice
fishing, so we knew we wouldn't have a chance of
digging a hole in the ground to bury the rabbit. We
had already ruled out the notion of putting him in a
dumpster; he deserved more regard than that. We
considered burying him under some snow until things
warmed up, but figured that scavengers would find his
little body, and we didn't want that. So my friend
said that he would make a fire the next day and
cremate him, and have a little ceremony.
The next day he emailed me to tell me that he had
done this, and we discussed it a little. It had been
on my mind. Not the least of all the questions it
brought up for me was a) why we felt compelled to
rescue him in the first place, and b) why we felt a
relationship with the rabbit, even though the whole
encounter from when we first saw him until he was
dead in my hands was only a minute, and c) why we
felt an obligation to give him a proper send-off. I
have also wondered what would have happened if we had
gotten to him after the first hit, when he likely
could have survived but would have needed veterinary
care and follow-up nursing. Would we have had the
commitment to invest that much in a little rabbit?
What is the value of life? Especially for a creature
that is a member of a very common species and many
regard as a pest when it nibbles away their
springtime flowers and summertime garden produce.
I really thought a lot about that, and I realized
that one factor that made this so powerful was how
hard that little rabbit was trying to stay alive. He
had just survived a hard Minnesota winter, one of the
coldest in 10 or 15 years. He was thin, but he had
made it somehow. He was hit by a car, injured but not
fatally, and still kept trying to get to the other
side, to get to safety.
I admire honest effort, and I know I have struggled
with many efforts in many contexts. Some have been
successful, and many of my efforts have failed.
Sometimes, when a being is struggling and making
effort against all odds, it deserves a little
grace......A totally unearned and unexpected act of
kindness or generosity from out of the blue. That
little rabbit needed a little grace. I regret that we
were a moment too late.
He reminded us of something else of great
importance.... how quickly we can go from life to
death, surrendering all our efforts and leaving
behind nothing but a carcass that somebody needs to
take care of. Life is precious and fragile. We are
always just a heartbeat away from our death, and we
never know which heartbeat it might be. We all hope
when it is our time to go, someone will care enough
to give us a decent send-off.
Thanks, Little Rabbit, for the reminders.
Time to "Just Say No" to the Rescuer
As
bodyworkers and somatic practitioners, our
relationship with our clients is very different than
what I described in the previous entry for people in
rescuing professions. In professional rescuing
occupations there are many elements built into the
system to preserve appropriate boundaries between
rescuer and rescuee.
The typical bodyworker who gets into a "Rescuer" mode
with a client will be working with that client over a
period of time, maybe even a very extended period of
time. We get to know our clients very well, so we
lose the impersonal relationship that EMT's or
fire-fighters have. They do not usually know their
clients! And the bodyworker who falls into Rescuing
habits is probably doing more emotional rescuing than
life-saving rescuing. We are not trained to do
counseling or psychotherapy, so we are clearly
crossing an important boundary if we get into this
emotional relationship with a client.
What can we do to break a "Rescuer" habit?
1. Name it. Admit to yourself that you are a
"Rescuer".
2. Try to understand what the appeal of this is for
you. Does it make you forget about your own problems
when you are emotionally rescuing a client? Does it
stroke your ego that they turn to you for rescuing?
3. Recognize your internal signals that a boundary is
in danger. Do you "feel sorry" for a client? Do you
feel an adrenaline rush that you can "fix" their
suffering? Do they pull at your heart-strings like a
wounded child or hurt animal? Do you have difficulty
getting them off your mind, even between sessions?
Figure out what your own signals are.
4. Remind yourself of your professional boundaries,
appropriate language and touch, and the other
resources you have to offer this client... referrals
to a counselor or other professional, or even to a
different massage therapist.
5. Remind yourself of the possible consequences of
engaging in rescuing. Somebody will probably get
hurt. At best, you will keep the client stuck and
dependent in a Victim role.
6. Talk to a mentor or colleague about the situation;
learn additional strategies and get
advice.
Is Healthy Rescuing Possible?
There are
professions whose purpose is rescuing. Emergency room
physicians and nurses, EMT medics, fire-fighters,
suicide hot-line workers, child protection social
workers, and first responders of all kinds. These
professionals are an integral part of a progressive
society. Perhaps we can look at them to answer the
question "Is Healthy Rescuing Possible?"
Lets look at a few characteristics of these
professions.
1) They are specifically trained/educated to offer
effective interventions to someone who needs
rescuing, whether it is a medical emergency, a fire,
a natural disaster, or some other situation where
there are individuals whose lives would be at risk,
or they would at least experience great harm were it
not for the rescuer.
2) They only rescue someone once. The entire rescuing
relationship is usually very brief. Even the
emergency room staff passes the patient along to
another branch of the hospital, or releases them,
within a few hours. There is NOT an ongoing
relationship between the rescuer and rescuee.
3) Emergency rescue personnel do not rescue people
they know personally, at least not in their
professional capacity.
4) No matter how compassionate the rescuer is, they
maintain appropriate emotional boundaries with the
rescuee; the short duration of the rescuing situation
helps to insure this detachment.
5) Rescue professionals rescue others from physical
danger and bodily harm mostly. They do not usually do
emotional rescuing. Other professionals will be
brought in to deal with the emotional fall-out that
can occur subsequent to an accident, natural
disaster, or other event in which someone is rescued.
In the next entry, we will compare these factors to
the way the typical massage therapist works with
her/his clients.
Overcoming the "Rescuer": Meeting People Where They Are in Their Journey
In
the Ethics &
Archetypes Home Study Course,
participants take a survey at the beginning to
determine which archetypes are active and which
are not. Here's an excerpt from a massage
therapist who had the "Rescuer" as her lowest
ranking archetype.
She is right on target when she comments about
"Rescuers" attracting "Victims". They are magnetic to
each other, because each needs the other to act out
it's archetypal identity. If you seem to have a lot
of "Victims" coming to you for massage therapy, you
may have a bit more "Rescuer" than you'd think!
Here's what she says:
"My lowest ranking archetype is the ‘Rescuer’. I
believe that because I do not subscribe to the
Rescuer’s tendency to want to fix people, nor do I
believe that I know what is best for the client
I rarely attract what I feel like is the counterpart
of this archetype – the Victim- into my life and
practice. Instead I feel like I am often able to
grasp multiple truths, especially as they relate to
each individual’s experience. Though I still continue
to work on this, I have created a lot of growth for
myself in accepting and meeting people where they are
in their journey."
This is a wonderful testimony for the changes that
can happen in your massage practice when you begin to
work from the more empowered archetypes of "Seeker",
"Magician", or "Sage."
So how does one "meet them where they are?" The first
component is to understand where YOU are in your
journey. Many times people who are just entering into
"Seeker" have remnants of their old un-empowered
archetypes around for a long time. The client may not
be as far along as you, and you have to let that be
ok.
The second component is to trust that healing is
already going on, and will continue long after you
and the client go your separate ways. The small bit
of energy you can add to the client's healing is just
a drop in the ocean compared to all the other forces
that are acting on his/her life!
The third component is keeping your boundaries
intact. Many times, rescuing behavior is a result of
counter-transference. That is, something about the
client triggers your unfinished business, and brings
out your "Rescuer".
The "Rescuer": A Therapist Remembers
"My lowest score on the archetype self-test was "the Rescuer". I am quite happy about that. I have done a lot of Rescuing in my life and am glad it holds a low score in my life now. I now realize that others must find their own way and for me to mother them or offer more help or treatment than is necessary, is really a disservice to another human.
In the past, I realize that I have taken the "Rescuer" stance on an unconscious level so that I did not have the time or energy to look at my own problems and solve them for myself. I know that I resent anyone telling me something I already know and I believe we already know what needs doing in our lives. It was insulting to do for another what they could do for themselves. By rescuing I said that I didn't have confidence in them to take care of themselves.
I am grateful for the insight looking at this archetype has given me. I feel that the psychological interaction between client and healer is key and I am eager to always learn anything that will help me do a better job."
The "Rescuer" Archetype: Pathway to Burnout for Somatic Practitioners
You know the "Rescuer" is lurking when you tell yourself (or the client) that you can solve his/her problems and take away all his/her suffering by providing bodywork, acupuncture, manipulations, or any other somatic therapy. That may sound like exactly what we are supposed to be doing, otherwise, why are we in the profession? But there's a catch...
Consider.... we REALLY don't know to what degree we can induce changes with our work until we have done at least one session for the person. There are many factors that effect the outcome of treatment, and most of them are beyond our control. We have all had the experience of doing everything that "should" work, and it doesn't, even though the same techniques have been successful with numerous previous clients.
"The Rescuer" can be very sneaky. You may have to really study yourself to realize that it is directing you in ways that can lead to disappointment, boundary issues, and even lost clients.
You'll know the "Rescuer" is driving you when any of the following things happen:
1. You feel an obligation to create change, even before you've assessed or worked on the client
2. You feel like you have failed or let him down if you are unable to produce change
3. There's a sense of urgency regarding the client
4. You are tempted to cross professional boundaries with the client
5. You visualize how grateful they will be to you when they are "healed"
6. You are tempted to work too hard, too long, too deep, in your effort to produce results, even though it may not be appropriate for the person
7. You get a "high" from someone saying that you have made them feel much better, and you seek that "high" from future clients.
8. You feel competitive with other therapists in the sense that you can get people better faster than they can
9. Making people feel better is a way of boosting your self-worth or ego
The "Rescuer" shows up when you are doing bodywork with a hidden agenda involving feeling better about yourself or trying to prove something to the rest of the world.
Because it inherently produces boundary violations and wrong interpretations of the role of the therapist, it leads to frustration, burn-out, and ineffective therapy. It makes the client dependent, needy, and disempowered. Not a good formula for successful practice over many years.
Next time I will write more about the "Rescuer" and share some therapist experiences with this fascinating archetype.